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Maximum Splendid

by Rapscallion

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1.
I rather believe you're about to be thoroughly rocked sir And madam we’re a bunch of rapscallions who intend to amuse you I’ve studied the form, researched the type Pressed my trousers, cleaned out my pipe Rode here on my penny farthing bike I think we have something you might rather like You’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight (We’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight) You’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight (We’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight) You’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight (We’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight) You’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight Pop your hat in the air if you’re feeling excited. Now look at all you marvellous folk, we’re glad you attended Step right up to the front for maximum splendid This is the time and it's time to begin Fix your tie, take a sip from your gin Give us a chance ‘cause if you endure There's one damn thing that I can assure. You’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight (We’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight) You’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight (We’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight) You’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight (We’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight) You’re bloody well getting rock 'n' roll tonight Pop your hat in the air if you’re up for a good time
2.
Call On You 04:59
Certain things are always impolite A fella must never arrive for tea without an invite But if you have a gap that you’d like me to fill I’ve always got a hungry mouth for you my dear I’d love a slice of your Battenberg I wonder if I oughta Bring some tea I’ve enough for two And dunk my bags in your water On Wednesday teatime If you’ve nothing to do May I have permission to call on you I wanna find out if you’re one lump or two Give me permission to call on you Oh may I have permission to call on you (It’s tea time) If this is a notion that tickles your funny bone Then maybe we could ditch your chaperone Perhaps you and I could become paramores I’m jolly keen to enter through your red front door. I’d love a slurp on your lady grey Are you home alone We could sip something freshly brewed Dollop some cream on your cherry scones. On Wednesday teatime If you’ve nothing to do May I have permission to call on you I wanna find out if you’re one lump or two Give me permission to call on you Oh may I have permission to call on you Now I just want to know one thing… Are you a loose leaf kind of lady? I wanna call, call, call on you x7 I wanna call - woah yeah On Wednesday teatime If you’ve nothing to do May I have permission to call on you I wanna find out if you’re one lump or two Give me permission, I would like permission May I have permission to call on you
3.
Blaggard 04:54
Late night Wardour Estate I slip out through the back way make good my escape I barely remember your name Your face is just a memory and I'd do it again ‘cause I'm a blaggard and I no longer care for you Even though you might want me to Yes I'm a blaggard, I no longer know wrong from right Just what gets me through the night Yes it gets me through the night Darling, here in the park There’s something in your countenance, makes you seem a good mark I'll make you feel like a queen but when I've rinsed your bank account I’ll flee from the scene ‘cause I'm a blaggard and I no longer care for you Even though you might want me to Yes I'm a blaggard, I no longer know wrong from right Just what gets me through the night And it gets me through the night - most nights Your loss is my living luxury is the goal Is it worth the price I've given for this lonely soul?
4.
Cthullette 05:12
Hey Cathuy, when we met you seemed a nice, well adjusted girl I laughed when you said that you were gonna take over the world I thought that you were cool and mysterious, the day we met in the library You said my book of dark incantations was the thing that had summoned thee And when they said you were a dark one, I thought that meant you liked to fool around Not that you would burn the world into the ground Our relationship went south When I saw those tentacles come outta your mouth Cthullette Cthullette Well I thought that things were off, when we took a vacation You insisted on your favourite spot, a creepy island made of carved obsidian I thought that I had lost my mind, at the sheer oppression of it But they say that love is blind, I gave you the benefit Unhypnotised I saw you, demonic form full blown As you laid waste to my hometown, enslaving everyone I’d ever known The writing was on the wall But I just couldn’t make Head nor tail of it all Cthullette Cthullette Now I lament the day that we met Truly my greatest regret Was to issue you forth, woah Cthullette Cthullette, you were fun when we met but you turned into a demon and I’ll never forget You ensnared the whole human race And caused death and mass destruction all over the place Cthullette, you were fun when we met but you turned into a demon and I’ll never forget You ensnared the whole human race And caused death and mass destruction all over the place Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthullette, Cthullette R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn fhtagn Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthullette, Cthullette R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn fhtagn Cthullette, you were fun when we met but you turned into a demon and I’ll never forget You ensnared the whole human race And caused death and mass destruction all over the place
5.
6.
Squashed flies in their Garibaldi graves Just don’t do it for me Ginger Nuts, while they have their place Just don’t go with tea Fox’s Crunch, are only for the elite Not the likes of you and me Jammy rings, why they’re tarts for the bees I know you’ll agree All hail the Custard Cream All hail the biscuit queen All hail the Custard Cream It’s hard to imagine a finer delight For me Honorary mention to the bourbon For it’s surely top three Nice are nice but it truth be told They’re just too coconutty Lincoln, to bobbly And Rich Tea go soggy Malted Milk are for demons. For demons Take what you will from the selection box There’s no competition All hail the Custard Cream All hail the biscuit queen All hail the Custard Cream It’s hard to imagine a finer delight Sweet vanilla lady Melt on my tongue The snap of your Shell Makes me undone All hail the Custard Cream All hail the biscuit queen All hail the Custard Cream Now raise your hands to the sky and Dance in difference to this delicious delicacy All hail the Custard Cream All hail the Custard Cream All hail the Custard Cream All hail the Custard Cream It’s hard to imagine a finer delight For me
7.
Up from the beaches they ran Well, I say they ran - more like scuttled sideways To take their vengeance on man For years of crab sticks and seafood pies Crushing cars as they walk Reducing towns to dirt and powder Giant powerful claws Mix us all into human chowder Our bombs, our bullets fall at their feet They laugh at these with menacing shrieks Tonight is the night of the killer crabs You know, you know Running for your life from the giant crabs Oh Hide from the eyes of the Killer crabs You know, you know Nothing’s like the size of those giant crabs Oh Dear god, the size of them - they’re demons There’s only one man who can help us now You’re right - we must get to the Professor. PROFESSOR No! I didn’t mean him Hello, good lord you two, come in, don’t waste a second Elemental Manor is the only building still standing Never fear, I have a plan Thank Christ you’ve arrived, you’ve come to the right place You found me in time, the worlds in a right state I too have seen these creepy crustaceans I’ve been meaning to do something, see, I’ve been waiting For just the right time, quite the right plan Together we can fight if you’ll both take my hand And while this isn’t the time to examine evidence Best guess they’re the product of a mad experiment We’re taking them down, and doing it my way Before they all charge and run at us sideways I’ll tell them to mess with man is a tragic mistake Stand back and I’ll bake a batch of crab cakes Tonight is the night that the people strike back We’ll ride them like ponies, see how they like that We’ll build a new world fight till we find cracks You go first, I forgot something, I’ll be right back It’s our last stand, we’re taking aim We’ve only one night to make a change After this nothing will be the same Actually, I might be a bit to blame Tonight is the night of the killer crabs You know, woah Running for your life from the giant crabs You know Hide from the eyes of the Killer crabs Oh, You know Have you seen the size of those bloody crabs Oh Stop it, stop it the bloody pair of you, this squabbling isn’t going to solve a bloody thing Think Maybe they’re not just cursed crustaceans What if they’re some kind of distant relations? If we could just communicate, we might not be too late Could we be mistaken? Are these creatures misunderstood? Maybe it’s a reaction to this war we’ve engaged in May they not in truth, be good? Hand in claw, claw in hand With a little bit of heart we may We may not be damned But have you not seen what they’re doing out there To our towns, our cities, our people Of course I have, but surely there must be a solution that doesn’t involve genocide Yes I think she might be on to something there Let’s start to make improvements Instead of pincer movements There are many things unknown Are there colonies below We don’t have the right To destroy on sight Hand in claw, claw in hand we must Are you mad, don’t you understand What this mad man has done to our lives Honestly, I didn’t mean to create a mutant army With deadly claws and funny eyes You’ve delivered us hell in a shell Their claws might as well be our gallows Just give me one chance, I vow to sort this all out Although the timeframe is rather narrow Help us to communicate if you value our lives But how can we ever trust him again Since he brought on this darkest Most crabbiest night? There must be something we can do Yes, maybe they could all be tamed And then kept as a tourist attraction Or maybe as pets I fear the humans time has passed This is our end but it's only the start Of the day of the crabs The day of the crabs Shoo you beastly things Oh my god - it’s trying to speak MASTER Master eh? Well - this changes everything
8.
Getting bored with this fuzz on my lip I take a notion that I should strip it To the barber shop double quick - oh yeah That’s when I see the lady passing by Tight black corset and a bustle to die for I see my mistake as she catches my eye - oh yeah And she says How can I love you with that clean upper lip It’s just not done Please, forgive me if I come off crass I could never love a man without a moustache You might be handsome, but you’re not too flash And I could never love a man without a moustache So listen, this is your cautionary twist There’s a sacred bond ‘twixt a man and his whiskers It’s not temporary, not just hair today I recommend a cover up of fuzz Waxed up, drop down or even a toothbrush But heed my advice if you don’t want to hear them say How can I love you with that clean upper lip It’s just not done Please, forgive me if I come off crass I could never love a man without a moustache You might be handsome, but you’re not too flash And I could never love a man without a moustache Billy Dee Williams, Tom Selleck, Sam Elliott, Burt Reynolds, Richard Prior, Vincent Price, Nikola Tesla, Nick Offerman, Ned Flanders, Frank Zappa, Super Mario, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Mercury Please, forgive me if I come off crass I could never love a man without a moustache You might be handsome, but you’re not too flash And I could never love a man without a moustache Please, forgive me if I come off crass I could never love a man without a moustache You might be handsome, but you’re not too flash And I could never love a man without a moustache
9.
10.
They say I came with arms outstretched One from North, the other West Sudden jolts to my surprise Woke the fire behind these eyes Rise Up, Rise Up Though you gave me life Lives don’t sail as planned I’d urge you understand Manners do not maketh the man Manners did not maketh this man And now, in starlight only can I flee The evils of the day From those who seek to shatter Innocence with glee Only blind men ever truly see And vows you take upon the morning light Mock the effort of our history One thousand crooked stitches Tracked upon my heart A mirror would you make me Rise Up, Rise Up Though you gave me life Lives don’t sail as planned I’d urge you understand Manners do not maketh the man Manners do not maketh... Look at the way they betray just on hearsay Blood of your blood runs cold And they look the other way If you take from my table, I'll take from your bleeding heart And together we will freeze my love, on our knees Cover up your eyes We return as one Though you gave me life Lives don’t sail as planned I know you understand I’d urge you understand Rise Up, Rise Up Rise Up, Rise Up Rise Up Rise Up

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www.RapscallionBand.com

RAPSCALLION squeeze into being releasing their first album, aiming to open a tiny crack of light in the puddle of dreariness that was ‘The Unspeakable Year’. The unique blend of chapish /steampunk tinged silliness mixed with a sincere passion for pure rock music is designed to uplift, clear away those pesky doldrums and put an uncontrollable smile on your face as you rock.

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released April 9, 2021

P. Gravett

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Rapscallion Brighton, UK

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