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Night Of The Giant Killer Crabs (feat. Professor Elemental)

from Maximum Splendid by Rapscallion

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Up from the beaches they ran
Well, I say they ran - more like scuttled sideways
To take their vengeance on man
For years of crab sticks and seafood pies
Crushing cars as they walk
Reducing towns to dirt and powder
Giant powerful claws
Mix us all into human chowder

Our bombs, our bullets fall at their feet
They laugh at these with menacing shrieks

Tonight is the night of the killer crabs
You know, you know
Running for your life from the giant crabs
Hide from the eyes of the Killer crabs
You know, you know
Nothing’s like the size of those giant crabs

Dear god, the size of them - they’re demons
There’s only one man who can help us now
You’re right - we must get to the Professor. PROFESSOR
No! I didn’t mean him

Hello, good lord you two, come in, don’t waste a second
Elemental Manor is the only building still standing
Never fear, I have a plan

Thank Christ you’ve arrived, you’ve come to the right place
You found me in time, the worlds in a right state
I too have seen these creepy crustaceans
I’ve been meaning to do something, see, I’ve been waiting
For just the right time, quite the right plan
Together we can fight if you’ll both take my hand
And while this isn’t the time to examine evidence
Best guess they’re the product of a mad experiment
We’re taking them down, and doing it my way
Before they all charge and run at us sideways
I’ll tell them to mess with man is a tragic mistake
Stand back and I’ll bake a batch of crab cakes
Tonight is the night that the people strike back
We’ll ride them like ponies, see how they like that
We’ll build a new world fight till we find cracks
You go first, I forgot something, I’ll be right back

It’s our last stand, we’re taking aim
We’ve only one night to make a change
After this nothing will be the same
Actually, I might be a bit to blame

Tonight is the night of the killer crabs
You know, woah
Running for your life from the giant crabs
You know
Hide from the eyes of the Killer crabs
Oh, You know
Have you seen the size of those bloody crabs

Stop it, stop it the bloody pair of you, this squabbling isn’t going to solve a bloody thing

Maybe they’re not just cursed crustaceans
What if they’re some kind of distant relations?
If we could just communicate, we might not be too late
Could we be mistaken?
Are these creatures misunderstood?
Maybe it’s a reaction to this war we’ve engaged in
May they not in truth, be good?

Hand in claw, claw in hand
With a little bit of heart we may
We may not be damned

But have you not seen what they’re doing out there
To our towns, our cities, our people

Of course I have, but surely there must be a solution that doesn’t involve genocide
Yes I think she might be on to something there

Let’s start to make improvements
Instead of pincer movements

There are many things unknown
Are there colonies below
We don’t have the right
To destroy on sight
Hand in claw, claw in hand we must

Are you mad, don’t you understand
What this mad man has done to our lives

Honestly, I didn’t mean to create a mutant army
With deadly claws and funny eyes

You’ve delivered us hell in a shell
Their claws might as well be our gallows

Just give me one chance, I vow to sort this all out
Although the timeframe is rather narrow

Help us to communicate if you value our lives
But how can we ever trust him again
Since he brought on this darkest
Most crabbiest night?

There must be something we can do
Yes, maybe they could all be tamed
And then kept as a tourist attraction
Or maybe as pets

I fear the humans time has passed
This is our end but it's only the start
Of the day of the crabs
The day of the crabs

Shoo you beastly things
Oh my god - it’s trying to speak
Master eh? Well - this changes everything


from Maximum Splendid, released April 9, 2021

Additional Lyrics, P. Alborough


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